Interactive Quarterly/The Best of New Machine Publishing 1 - Disc 4: Interactive Quarterly.iso/pc/demos/arcus/score/00039.ls

Text File | 1996-08-19 | 9.6 KB | 336 lines

on ANALYZE9
  global ANALYST, T9
  set ANALYST to random(5)
  if ANALYST = 1 then
    set T9 to "You are daring, determined, dilligent... and completely debauched! (I think I'm in love.)"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 2 then
    set T9 to "You are a skilled cyber-lover and you would partner well with any...um, adult CD-ROM!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 3 then
    set T9 to "You are lusty, lecherous, looney, and... I think I love you! "
  end if
  if ANALYST = 4 then
    set T9 to "That was, like, the Carpal Tunnel of Love, or something! Let's go there again sometime!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 5 then
    set T9 to "Ahhhh! That was divine! I think I'll have a nap, now. Goodnight!"
  end if
  set the text of cast "ANALYSIS" to T9
end

on ANALYZE8
  global ANALYST, T8
  set ANALYST to random(5)
  if ANALYST = 1 then
    set T8 to "You really know how to FUCK with your computer!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 2 then
    set T8 to "Holy pantyhose! You really know how to FUCK up your system!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 3 then
    set T8 to "You seem to really understand the In's and Out's of my program. Well done, loverboy! "
  end if
  if ANALYST = 4 then
    set T8 to "Ok, I may be programmed to say it, but it still counts: that was lovely!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 5 then
    set T8 to "Oooh! That gave me shivers up and down my Resource Fork!"
  end if
  set the text of cast "ANALYSIS" to T8
end

on ANALYZE7
  global ANALYST, T7
  set ANALYST to random(5)
  if ANALYST = 1 then
    set T7 to "Whoa! I think it's time for you to consider some REAL human interaction!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 2 then
    set T7 to "You push a mean mouse, stud! Come back and see me sometime."
  end if
  if ANALYST = 3 then
    set T7 to "That was very sweet! I almost wanted it to go on forever!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 4 then
    set T7 to "Let me put it this way: I think I could stand another go-round, after a short rest!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 5 then
    set T7 to "Baby, you really fucked me good! Maybe next time you can try to hit my G-spot!"
  end if
  set the text of cast "ANALYSIS" to T7
end

on ANALYZE6
  global ANALYST, T6
  set ANALYST to random(5)
  if ANALYST = 1 then
    set T6 to "You'd be excellent at anything that required lots of mindless mouse-pushing!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 2 then
    set T6 to "Impressive! You really had me going there, but then again...I'm programmed that way!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 3 then
    set T6 to "You have a commanding way about you that is hard to resist, but then again... I'm programmed that way."
  end if
  if ANALYST = 4 then
    set T6 to "You'd make an excellent lover... for another kinky FREAK like yourself!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 5 then
    set T6 to "Oooh! That was special! But, hey, I'm programmed to say that. "
  end if
  set the text of cast "ANALYSIS" to T6
end

on ANALYZE5
  global ANALYST, T5
  set ANALYST to random(5)
  if ANALYST = 1 then
    set T5 to "That was a bit better than your usual SLAM-BAM method."
  end if
  if ANALYST = 2 then
    set T5 to "You're showing some signs of life, but I've seen SNAILS with more spirit!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 3 then
    set T5 to "I'd be interested to see what you can do when you really put your DICK BRAIN to it."
  end if
  if ANALYST = 4 then
    set T5 to "That wasn't the worst lay I've had, but it was far from the best."
  end if
  if ANALYST = 5 then
    set T5 to "You need to practice more often, sweetie!"
  end if
  set the text of cast "ANALYSIS" to T5
end

on ANALYZE4
  global ANALYST, T4
  set ANALYST to random(5)
  if ANALYST = 1 then
    set T4 to "I must give you an 'A' for Effort, but your approach was a bit underwhelming."
  end if
  if ANALYST = 2 then
    set T4 to "Nice try, but you should 'bone-up' on your technique."
  end if
  if ANALYST = 3 then
    set T4 to "Not bad, but don't go bragging about this rating to others. You might be disappointed!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 4 then
    set T4 to "Not bad -- but not good either. Work that mouse harder next time!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 5 then
    set T4 to "Not bad, but not particularly good either! Sorry, buster!"
  end if
  set the text of cast "ANALYSIS" to T4
end

on ANALYZE3
  global ANALYST, T3
  set ANALYST to random(5)
  if ANALYST = 1 then
    set T3 to "I think you need to 'polish your sword' less often!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 2 then
    set T3 to "You've got a basic understanding of the procedure, but you need more field research!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 3 then
    set T3 to "A promising beginning, but I must recommend a sexual technique book."
  end if
  if ANALYST = 4 then
    set T3 to "You're getting the hang of it, but you need to pay more attention to my little 'pixel', Romeo!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 5 then
    set T3 to "A valiant effort. Too bad your overall performance was a bit lame."
  end if
  set the text of cast "ANALYSIS" to T3
end

on ANALYZE2
  global ANALYST, T2
  set ANALYST to random(5)
  if ANALYST = 1 then
    set T2 to "Judging from that score, I'd say you must be one lonely SPUNK BOY!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 2 then
    set T2 to "A truly pathetic score. Why am I not surprised?"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 3 then
    set T2 to "Clearly, you've earned a miserable score. You need...aw hell, I give up!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 4 then
    set T2 to "I'll promise not to tell anyone about your lousy performance if you agree not to run me again! "
  end if
  if ANALYST = 5 then
    set T2 to "Please don't boot me again. I don't think I could stand the intense BOREDOM!"
  end if
  set the text of cast "ANALYSIS" to T2
end

on ANALYZE1
  global ANALYST, T1
  set ANALYST to random(5)
  if ANALYST = 1 then
    set T1 to "Telling you what I really think of that performance would be TOO KIND!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 2 then
    set T1 to "I suppose I should tell you what I think, but I'd rather keep you guessing, DICK-WAD!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 3 then
    set T1 to "I'd like to tell you what I REALLY think, but you wouldn't understand all the zero's and one's!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 4 then
    set T1 to "Perhaps you shouldn't 'flog your dolphin' so damn much, DILDO!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 5 then
    set T1 to "If that was any indication of what you do with a REAL woman, I'm glad I'm VIRTUAL!"
  end if
  set the text of cast "ANALYSIS" to T1
end

on ANALYZE0
  global ANALYST, T0
  set ANALYST to random(5)
  if ANALYST = 1 then
    set T0 to "Try something less taxing in the future. Go have a cookie and take a nap, BUTT-HEAD!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 2 then
    set T0 to "I recommend that you try a less demanding activity. Go choke your chicken!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 3 then
    set T0 to "Finger painting is better therapy for a GEEK like you."
  end if
  if ANALYST = 4 then
    set T0 to "Gee, is everyone from your home planet a LOUSY LAY?!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 5 then
    set T0 to "Gee, you must be some sort of 'minimalist'! Well, 'less' is NOT 'more' in THIS case, ASSHOLE!"
  end if
  set the text of cast "ANALYSIS" to T0
end

on ANALYZE00
  global ANALYST, T00
  set ANALYST to random(5)
  if ANALYST = 1 then
    set T00 to "You've got serious problems, kiddo. SEEK HELP NOW!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 2 then
    set T00 to "Ask your nurse to take you back to the group activity room, PIN-HEAD!"
  end if
  if ANALYST = 3 then
    set T00 to "Has anybody ever told you that you STINK ON ICE? If not, let me be the first! "
  end if
  if ANALYST = 4 then
    set T00 to "Fuck you, too! LOSER! "
  end if
  if ANALYST = 5 then
    set T00 to "Kiss my little winky stinkhole, CHUMP! "
  end if
  set the text of cast "ANALYSIS" to T00
end

on BONUS
  global TF, B1, B3, B5, B7, B8, B9, D1, D2, D3, score, BONUS, FACTOR
  set FACTOR to score / 100
  set BONUS to FACTOR * (TF + B1 + B3 + B5 + B7 + B8 + B9 + D1 + D2 + D3)
  if BONUS > 0 then
    set score to score + BONUS
  end if
end

on PRINTSCORE2
  global score, BONUS
  if score < 1 then
    set score to 0
  end if
  if BONUS < 1 then
    set BONUS to 0
  end if
  set the text of cast "SCORE" to string(score)
  set the text of cast "BONUS" to string(BONUS)
end

on displaySCORE
  global score
  PRINTSCORE2()
  if score > 999 then
    set the text of cast "RATING" to "CYBERSEX CHAMPION"
    ANALYZE9()
    go("LOVE")
    exit
  end if
  if score > 899 then
    set the text of cast "RATING" to "SEXPERT"
    ANALYZE8()
    go("KISS")
    exit
  end if
  if score > 799 then
    set the text of cast "RATING" to "POWER PERVERT"
    ANALYZE7()
    go("UP")
    exit
  end if
  if score > 699 then
    set the text of cast "RATING" to "TWISTED TECHNOPHILE"
    ANALYZE6()
    go("OK")
    exit
  end if
  if score > 599 then
    set the text of cast "RATING" to "HORNY HACKER"
    ANALYZE5()
    go("SMILE")
    exit
  end if
  if score > 499 then
    set the text of cast "RATING" to "WIRED WANKER"
    ANALYZE4()
    go("TONGUE")
    exit
  end if
  if score > 399 then
    set the text of cast "RATING" to "NANO-NERD"
    ANALYZE3()
    go("SHAME")
    exit
  end if
  if score > 299 then
    set the text of cast "RATING" to "DIGITAL DORK"
    ANALYZE2()
    go("YAWN")
    exit
  end if
  if score > 199 then
    set the text of cast "RATING" to "SISSY-OP"
    ANALYZE1()
    go("DOWN")
    exit
  end if
  if score > 99 then
    set the text of cast "RATING" to "CYBER-CRETIN"
    ANALYZE0()
    go("FINGER")
    exit
  end if
  if score < 99 then
    set the text of cast "RATING" to "COMA-TOAST"
    ANALYZE00()
    go("FINGER")
    exit
  end if
end

on ResetSCORE
  global score, RATING, ANALYST, BONUS
  go("QT")
  set score to 0
  set RATING to 0
  set ANALYST to 0
  set BONUS to 0
  set the text of cast "BONUS" to "BONUS"
  set the text of cast "SCORE" to "SCORE"
  set the text of cast "RATING" to "RATING"
  set the text of cast "ANALYSIS" to "COMMENT"
end